Parashat Ki Teitze, Deuteronomy 21:10-25:19

Fifth Haftarah of Consolation, Isaiah 54:1-10

Dear TBE Community,

In my first year of rabbinical school, we did a lot of testing –Torah knowledge exams, Hebrew grammar exams, halacha exams. At the end of the first year, the final Torah knowledge exam consisted of a list of stories, laws, and names from the long genealogies of the generations – of who begot whom. We had to know in which parsha, or sometimes in which parashiyot, these stories, laws, and names appeared. Was the law of the wayward son in Ki Teitzei, Mishpatim, or Kedoshim? Name the three parashiyot that prohibit boiling a kid in its mother’s milk. How many times does the Torah ask us to honor our mother and father, or to love the stranger – and where?

The three parashiyot with the most commandments are, from bottom to top, Kedoshim, with 51; Mishpatim, with 53; and this week’s parsha, Ki Teitzei, with 74. Once you had a better sense of what kinds of laws were listed in each of those legal codes, you could take a more confident stab at guessing the right answer. Or you actually knew it.

I actually did, and still do, enjoy learning that kind of material. I liked that I was made to acquire knowledge and facts and that I was tested on them, rather than having to talk about our feelings and emotions all the time simply because we were rabbinical students. Here we actually had the chance to learn something.

The seventy-four mitzvot listed in Ki Teitzei include some famous laws governing Jewish society. By the way, the kid in its mother’s milk is not in Ki Teitzei. That prohibition appears in Mishpatim, Ki Tisa, and Re’eh.

Here are just a few of the laws and statutes from this week’s parsha:

·        Build a fence around a flat roof to prevent people from falling.

·        Return lost items to their rightful owners.

·        Eat your fill, but do not fill your pockets as well.

·        Use accurate weights and measures.

·        Do not mix wool and linen in your garments.

·        Pay workers on the same day, before sunset.

·        Do not muzzle an ox while it treads grain.

·        Leave the remains of the harvest in the field for the poor and the stranger.

Many laws and statutes in Ki Teitzei focus on civil, social, and domestic matters, covering fair labor, property rights, ethical behavior, and family law.

Deuteronomy distinguishes itself from the other four books of the Torah in that it seems especially interested in laying out a vision for an ideal Israelite society. And within the structure of most societies, the family is an important nucleus. But then as now, family structures did not always function, and they did not always last.

And so, many of the laws in Ki Teitzei concern the relationships between married or betrothed men and women as well as ex-husbands and ex-wives, and the rights of the children of second or third wives – or of a first yet unloved wife. When partners or former partners can no longer negotiate their relationships on their own, a legal framework attempts to preserve some measure of civility.

For Deuteronomy, ethical behavior is linked to following God’s mitzvot, which imbue our actions with a sense of holiness. This perspective also governs the laws concerning marriage and sexual intimacy: Who belongs to whom? Who is prohibited or permitted to another person? And how are these relationships manifested?

Many of the family laws are rooted in the understanding that entering into a marital sexual relationship is a holy act. But how does one dissolve bonds of holiness when the marriage is over?

Some of the laws in Ki Teitzei seem to disadvantage women, while others feel supportive, though sometimes only at second glance. Still others feel ambivalent at best or leave the woman in a bind. While it was – and is – better to have a way to end an unhealthy marriage, leaving with a certain amount of settlement money did not – and does not – undo the hurt of rejection and of being sent away:

A man takes a woman into his household and becomes her husband. She doesn’t find favor in his eyes because he finds something obnoxious about her, and he writes her a bill of divorcement, hands it to her, and sends her away from his house; she leaves his household and becomes the wife of another man; then this latter man rejects her, writes her a bill of divorcement, hands it to her, and sends her away from his household; or the man who married her last dies. Then the first husband who divorced her shall not take her to wife again, since she has been defiled for him, for that would be abhorrent to God. (Deuteronomy 24:1-4)

Sometimes people reconsider. The first husband might have changed his mind or taken pity. Perhaps he lost the wife he preferred and now needs a mother for his young children. These are all possible reasons he might want to take his former wife back. But he cannot – even if at all she would agree.

Sforno offers an interesting interpretation of his motivations and of what constitutes the quoted “abhorrence.” He weaves together concepts of defilement and holiness, but he does so without placing blame on the woman. Rather, he contextualizes this law within a larger societal framework.

Sforno’s explanation doesn’t change the fact that the woman finds herself in a disadvantageous situation. Even in our time, women are, by and large, the ones who take longer to recover from a divorce and who need more time to find a new partner, especially once they are over a certain age — while the former husband may already have started a new family. This is a stark generalization, but it is grounded in my non-statistical observations of my environment as well as in my personal experience.

The Israeli poet Lea Goldberg gives a comforting perspective of where the paths of life can take the woman from Deuteronomy 24:1–4. The poem is written in the voice of a woman who has moved beyond her hurt, beyond rejection. She has accepted her solitude, maybe her fate, and that empowers her. She has found dignity and pride in her aging and in herself. The poem also made me think of some of the themes of this season’s haftarot of consolation: She is like a woman who has risen from the barren dust, donned her beautiful garments that give her strength, gained a new sense of her own worth and now lives in an unshakable covenant with the world and with herself.

Toward Myself

The years have made up my face

with memories of love

and have adorned my hair with light silver

threads,

making me most beautiful.

In my eyes

landscapes are reflected.

And the paths I have trod

have straightened my stride—

tired and lovely steps.

If you should see me now,

you would not recognize your yesterdays—

I am walking toward myself,

bearing the face you searched for in vain

when I was walking toward you.

As you all, regardless of how you identify, walk toward the new year, may you walk with the dignity that comes from having overcome pain and rejection. And even though you will always remember your yesterdays, may you walk toward your present and your future as someone who can see themselves as most beautiful.

Shabbat Shalom!
Rabbi Julia Knobloch